National Death Service announces new 'Undertaker Support Worker' role

As an Employer of Excellence, the National Death Service is pleased to announce a further improvement in cadaver care by introducing the 'Undertaker Support Worker' role.

These trained support workers will be available to free-up trained Undertakers' valuable time, thus adding value in the field of deceased interment preparation.

The minister for Post-End-of-Life-Patient-Care, Patricia D.Ceased, assured concerned parties that all cadaver preparation will be overseen by a trained Undertaker, and that the new Support Worker role is not meant to replace the input of fully-trained Undertakers.

BEST YEAR EVER for Dead Babies!

Stakeholders - your NHS continues to deliver (get it?!) the finest patient-centred care through innovative working practices!

Any bugger can deliver your baby - after all WOMEN HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR MILLENNIA! You don't want an elitist doctor to do it, do you? He might medicalise your birth (the horror!) and make you go to theatre, where he (the misogynist swine) will cut you open and rip your pride-and-joy from your very womb!

Your very womb! All because you might be at risk of dying or something...
What you want is a nice, matronly midwife, who will let you arrange the crystals you've brought with you around the bed, and pipe soothing whale music into your ears. She'll know what to do if things become complicated, and will call for senior help if you or your baby are at risk.

But what you'll get is a Maternity Support Worker. Sounds good doesn't it! She'll support you. During your maternity. Because that's just what Maternity Support Workers do! They live for it!She'll put her fingers up your vagina and measure things like your cervix, and how low your baby's head is. She'll monitor baby's heart rate and make judgements about if your baby's ok.

She'll have done some sort of course to tell her how to do this. Not a degree like. Not like those elitist doctors (the swine, the monacled, Bentley driving swine!!), or those oh-so-overstretched midwives!

You see the midwife should actually be doing the delivery of your baby. But they're very busy people. She might not be in the room, or have seen you or examined you, but she'll be in charge - so there's nothing to worry about. The Maternity Support Worker might be actually delivering your baby, but your care will be delivered by your midwife, if you see what we mean...

And when something goes wrong and your Maternity Support Worker doesn't know what to do, and your baby dies, she'll call the Undertaker Support Operative to take your dead baby away.

The origins of these improvements in patient-centered, joined-up care can be found in that learned treatise "A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in the United Kingdom from being a burden on their parents or country"
by Jonathan Crippen, which you can read here


For further details, see:
this,
this,
this
and this