The Best Year Ever is Dead! Long live the Best Year Ever!

It's over. The Best Year Ever had to come to an end eventually, and now it is with sadness and no small amount of gratitude that we say farewell to our Fearless Leader, the Rt Hon. Patricia Hewitt.

For all that she has done, we thank her. For all the change that is still to come, we can only express our breathless anticipation.

Like so many other talented and dedicated NHS workers, the Honorable lady has decided to go to the Colonies, to help out with things over there.

I'm sure all NHS staff will join me in wishing Patricia the BEST YEAR EVER Down Under!

I just hope that she has the chance to meet some of the UK doctors whom she has so generously assisted with their move to Australia. Perhaps they can thank her in person for their successful transition to new ways of working.

Get ready for Johnson!

BEST YEAR EVER for NHS Finances!

"Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good." (Hubert in 'La Heine', dir. Mathieu Kassovitz, 1995).

The Department of Health (here) is pleased to announce that "The NHS is in its strongest financial position for many years with a fairer and more transparent system". Furthermore, "thanks to the hard work of clinical staff and management, the NHS has delivered a net surplus of over £500 million to be invested in new drugs and future services for patients." AND - "Over the last 12 months, the NHS has employed 3,267 more doctors, 526 more full time permanent nurses and 15,243 less [sic] administrative staff."

So far so good...

Our heroic Management Commissars on the NHS frontline have had to make very tough decisions, but as we all know - to make an omelette, you've got to break a few eggs! It was All Hands on Deck and Man the Pumps!, but we got there in the end, and our Glorious Leader's pledge that she would see the Good Ship NHS back on an even keel is, of course, seen to be 110% correct!

So far so good...

Patricia Hewitt, our beloved Commander-in-Chief, stated that "The NHS is now in a strong position to make best use of the extra £8 billion it is getting this year. This will help pay for new drugs, make waits even shorter, treat an extra 800,000 patients, perform an extra 300,000 operations, tackle hospital infections and deliver more personalised care to patients."

So far so good...

So next year will be even better, and is certain to eclipse this, our BEST YEAR EVER, by becoming our NEW BEST YEAR EVER!. We must all salute our fearless leader, who in the face of the dissemination of malicious propaganda by cowardly Fifth Columnists (such as the "doctors") has remained steadfast in her mission to make every year henceforth the BEST YEAR EVER!.

Nevertheless, enemies of Progress continue to spew forth lies and deceitful propaganda through their underground publishing machines such as The Times, which today spread the vicious lie that there is a "Waiting list crisis as NHS cuts costs". Another unofficial refusenik publication, known as "The Telegraph" published more lies, saying that the "Health Service is on its knees".

Commisariat investigators are also urgently trying to locate the underground bourgeois publishing house "The Guardian" which put forth the scandalous lie that the "NHS surplus angers health workers".

NHS Workers! These naysayers and doom-mongers must be silenced! We must all take personal responsibility for spreading the Good News that the NHS is having its BEST YEAR EVER. Let them not soil, with their faeculent words, the savings that we have all worked so hard to make. REMEMBER - We are in surplus! All is well! £500 million is not to be sniffed at!

So far so good...
So far so good...
So far so good......

National Death Service announces new 'Undertaker Support Worker' role

As an Employer of Excellence, the National Death Service is pleased to announce a further improvement in cadaver care by introducing the 'Undertaker Support Worker' role.

These trained support workers will be available to free-up trained Undertakers' valuable time, thus adding value in the field of deceased interment preparation.

The minister for Post-End-of-Life-Patient-Care, Patricia D.Ceased, assured concerned parties that all cadaver preparation will be overseen by a trained Undertaker, and that the new Support Worker role is not meant to replace the input of fully-trained Undertakers.

BEST YEAR EVER for Dead Babies!

Stakeholders - your NHS continues to deliver (get it?!) the finest patient-centred care through innovative working practices!

Any bugger can deliver your baby - after all WOMEN HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR MILLENNIA! You don't want an elitist doctor to do it, do you? He might medicalise your birth (the horror!) and make you go to theatre, where he (the misogynist swine) will cut you open and rip your pride-and-joy from your very womb!

Your very womb! All because you might be at risk of dying or something...
What you want is a nice, matronly midwife, who will let you arrange the crystals you've brought with you around the bed, and pipe soothing whale music into your ears. She'll know what to do if things become complicated, and will call for senior help if you or your baby are at risk.

But what you'll get is a Maternity Support Worker. Sounds good doesn't it! She'll support you. During your maternity. Because that's just what Maternity Support Workers do! They live for it!She'll put her fingers up your vagina and measure things like your cervix, and how low your baby's head is. She'll monitor baby's heart rate and make judgements about if your baby's ok.

She'll have done some sort of course to tell her how to do this. Not a degree like. Not like those elitist doctors (the swine, the monacled, Bentley driving swine!!), or those oh-so-overstretched midwives!

You see the midwife should actually be doing the delivery of your baby. But they're very busy people. She might not be in the room, or have seen you or examined you, but she'll be in charge - so there's nothing to worry about. The Maternity Support Worker might be actually delivering your baby, but your care will be delivered by your midwife, if you see what we mean...

And when something goes wrong and your Maternity Support Worker doesn't know what to do, and your baby dies, she'll call the Undertaker Support Operative to take your dead baby away.

The origins of these improvements in patient-centered, joined-up care can be found in that learned treatise "A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in the United Kingdom from being a burden on their parents or country"
by Jonathan Crippen, which you can read here


For further details, see:
this,
this,
this
and this

Medical Students Thank Dept of Health for Keeping Their Details Secure.

Medical Students applying for their first jobs as doctors in the NHS - currently enjoying its BEST YEAR EVER - expressed their gratitude for the swift measures taken by the Department of Health in ensuring the security of their personal details.

As soon as it was pointed out to the Department of Health that students' personal details [including sexual proclivities, inside leg measurements and preferred method of wiping (scrunch versus fold)] were available for all manner of fraudsters and pikeys to peruse, the DoH immediately took the brave and steadfast decision to suspend the MTAS website.

This was thanks to the DoH's new investigative wing, headed by Mr.J.Snow and Ms.S.Ahmed.

"Thank you for ensuring the security of my personal details" said one student, whilst another added "Thanks to Patricia Hewitt, I now can be sure that my home address, mobile number, email address, previous convictions and other details are safe once again".

However, a minority of students and doctors have voiced concern at the apparent lapse of security on the MTAS website. One student contacted Best Year Ever and stated that "The people running the show at the Dept of Health, from Patricia Hewitt on down are a bunch of talentless, useless, shameless twats", whilst a junior doctor added "Patricia Hewitt couldn't run a bath."

Scientists Warn: Nye Bevan's grave-spinning may upset Earth's gravitational field.

As our Best Year Ever continues, the Department of Health today called for urgent measures in order to counter the destablising effects of the late former Secretary of State Aneurin 'Nye' Bevan's from-beyond-the-grave opposition to NHS change, modernisation and choice.

Through a spokes-medium, Mr Bevan stated "I hereby give notice that; in my capacity as former Secretary of State, I will continue to spin clockwise in my grave (at approximately 1500-2000rpm), as a form of political protest against the wholesale dumbing-down, breaking-up, downgrading, fucking-over and otherwise general buggering about of the National Health Service, until such a time as the incumbent Health Secretary resigns from her post. I believe said Health Secretary to be, in fact, an talentless, cretinous twatface, whose managerial style and political presentation lead me to believe that she is, in reality, nothing more than a actress from an itv drama in which she is playing the role of Health Secretary (badly). Or maybe even a Channel 5 drama - she really is rather fucking gash. Quite how this time/space/televisual mix up has occurred is not my concern. The Health Secretary must forthwith cease and desist from having any role in our Nation's health, and keep her incompetent, badly-joined-up thinking to herself. The citizens of this country (got that, citizens -not stakeholders?) demand that their National Insurance stamps be honoured from cradle to grave. No more "referral management centres". No more "Independent Sector Treatment Centres". No more quackery and certainly no more management consultancy. Any further control-freakery will be punished by my continued protest sending the British Isles onto a direct collision course with Iceland. Then we're all fucked. Got it? Twat."

Scientists at Greenwich Royal Observatory first highlighted the disastrous effects that Mr Bevan's grave-spinning protests against NHS reform were having when it was found that the Earth had begun to shift almost imperceptibly from its axis and towards the sun.

Since then, several other official voices have raised concerns regarding Mr Bevan's intransigent spinning-in-his-grave antics. Military chiefs acknowledged today that Bevan's rotatory protest was possibly to blame for the alleged failures in Royal Navy GPS systems that resulted in the apparent incursion of 15 UK military personnel into Iranian waters that has lead to an international standoff.

The Health Secretary called Mr Bevan's comments "unhelpful", and stated that there are more patients being treated by more NHS staff than ever. She continued "things are getting ever better, with staff morale at an all-time high and patients having more choice than ever".

At time of writing, Mr Bevan continued to spin in his grave.

Government introduces "Parliamentary Representation Practitioners"

In a radical shift away from existing anachronistic governance-enablement pathways, the Commons today announced the introduction of a new grade of political representation professional - the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner.

This exciting new role breaks with the centuries-old selection processes that have until now been used to appoint Members of Parliament. In essence, the new Parliamentary Representation Practitioner role sits below that of the existing MP model, and allows PRPs to work in more flexible ways to serve their constituencies. No more will representatives be selected by old-fashioned "democratic" methodologies such as election by 'public vote'.

Parliamentary Representation Practitioners will be appointed via a new virtual 'Computerised Representative Appointment Portal', found online at www.crap.govt.uk. Applications will be scored according to criteria set by the Ministry for Psychological Investigation, Testing and Warfare, and will carefully select the best candidates for employment in the Commons.

By freeing up parliamentary schedules, PRPs will enable a more inclusive and dynamic Commons system, whilst having important secondary gains such as a reduction in costly governmental roles such as MP, Minister and Secretary of State.
Initally, the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner role will be rolled out across the Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties, with replacement of Labour MPs to follow in 2011, should the system prove to function well, and dependent on focus group validation.

Due to the constraints of European law, members from all EEA countries will be eligible to apply for the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner programme.

Some opposition MPs have expressed concern regarding the "insidious de-democratisation of Parliament, with elected officials being systematically replaced by appointed pseudo-politicians". Minister for Democracy Modernisation and Representational Innovation, Patricia Fooquit, dismissed allegations of a slide towards dictatorship, stating that "This has been the best year ever for our parliamentary democracy, with more commons representation professionals than ever working together to serve the public. We must move forward, ever forwards, in our neverending thirst for reform and innovation in governance and representational enablement."