Medical Students Thank Dept of Health for Keeping Their Details Secure.

Medical Students applying for their first jobs as doctors in the NHS - currently enjoying its BEST YEAR EVER - expressed their gratitude for the swift measures taken by the Department of Health in ensuring the security of their personal details.

As soon as it was pointed out to the Department of Health that students' personal details [including sexual proclivities, inside leg measurements and preferred method of wiping (scrunch versus fold)] were available for all manner of fraudsters and pikeys to peruse, the DoH immediately took the brave and steadfast decision to suspend the MTAS website.

This was thanks to the DoH's new investigative wing, headed by Mr.J.Snow and Ms.S.Ahmed.

"Thank you for ensuring the security of my personal details" said one student, whilst another added "Thanks to Patricia Hewitt, I now can be sure that my home address, mobile number, email address, previous convictions and other details are safe once again".

However, a minority of students and doctors have voiced concern at the apparent lapse of security on the MTAS website. One student contacted Best Year Ever and stated that "The people running the show at the Dept of Health, from Patricia Hewitt on down are a bunch of talentless, useless, shameless twats", whilst a junior doctor added "Patricia Hewitt couldn't run a bath."

Scientists Warn: Nye Bevan's grave-spinning may upset Earth's gravitational field.

As our Best Year Ever continues, the Department of Health today called for urgent measures in order to counter the destablising effects of the late former Secretary of State Aneurin 'Nye' Bevan's from-beyond-the-grave opposition to NHS change, modernisation and choice.

Through a spokes-medium, Mr Bevan stated "I hereby give notice that; in my capacity as former Secretary of State, I will continue to spin clockwise in my grave (at approximately 1500-2000rpm), as a form of political protest against the wholesale dumbing-down, breaking-up, downgrading, fucking-over and otherwise general buggering about of the National Health Service, until such a time as the incumbent Health Secretary resigns from her post. I believe said Health Secretary to be, in fact, an talentless, cretinous twatface, whose managerial style and political presentation lead me to believe that she is, in reality, nothing more than a actress from an itv drama in which she is playing the role of Health Secretary (badly). Or maybe even a Channel 5 drama - she really is rather fucking gash. Quite how this time/space/televisual mix up has occurred is not my concern. The Health Secretary must forthwith cease and desist from having any role in our Nation's health, and keep her incompetent, badly-joined-up thinking to herself. The citizens of this country (got that, citizens -not stakeholders?) demand that their National Insurance stamps be honoured from cradle to grave. No more "referral management centres". No more "Independent Sector Treatment Centres". No more quackery and certainly no more management consultancy. Any further control-freakery will be punished by my continued protest sending the British Isles onto a direct collision course with Iceland. Then we're all fucked. Got it? Twat."

Scientists at Greenwich Royal Observatory first highlighted the disastrous effects that Mr Bevan's grave-spinning protests against NHS reform were having when it was found that the Earth had begun to shift almost imperceptibly from its axis and towards the sun.

Since then, several other official voices have raised concerns regarding Mr Bevan's intransigent spinning-in-his-grave antics. Military chiefs acknowledged today that Bevan's rotatory protest was possibly to blame for the alleged failures in Royal Navy GPS systems that resulted in the apparent incursion of 15 UK military personnel into Iranian waters that has lead to an international standoff.

The Health Secretary called Mr Bevan's comments "unhelpful", and stated that there are more patients being treated by more NHS staff than ever. She continued "things are getting ever better, with staff morale at an all-time high and patients having more choice than ever".

At time of writing, Mr Bevan continued to spin in his grave.

Government introduces "Parliamentary Representation Practitioners"

In a radical shift away from existing anachronistic governance-enablement pathways, the Commons today announced the introduction of a new grade of political representation professional - the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner.

This exciting new role breaks with the centuries-old selection processes that have until now been used to appoint Members of Parliament. In essence, the new Parliamentary Representation Practitioner role sits below that of the existing MP model, and allows PRPs to work in more flexible ways to serve their constituencies. No more will representatives be selected by old-fashioned "democratic" methodologies such as election by 'public vote'.

Parliamentary Representation Practitioners will be appointed via a new virtual 'Computerised Representative Appointment Portal', found online at www.crap.govt.uk. Applications will be scored according to criteria set by the Ministry for Psychological Investigation, Testing and Warfare, and will carefully select the best candidates for employment in the Commons.

By freeing up parliamentary schedules, PRPs will enable a more inclusive and dynamic Commons system, whilst having important secondary gains such as a reduction in costly governmental roles such as MP, Minister and Secretary of State.
Initally, the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner role will be rolled out across the Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties, with replacement of Labour MPs to follow in 2011, should the system prove to function well, and dependent on focus group validation.

Due to the constraints of European law, members from all EEA countries will be eligible to apply for the Parliamentary Representation Practitioner programme.

Some opposition MPs have expressed concern regarding the "insidious de-democratisation of Parliament, with elected officials being systematically replaced by appointed pseudo-politicians". Minister for Democracy Modernisation and Representational Innovation, Patricia Fooquit, dismissed allegations of a slide towards dictatorship, stating that "This has been the best year ever for our parliamentary democracy, with more commons representation professionals than ever working together to serve the public. We must move forward, ever forwards, in our neverending thirst for reform and innovation in governance and representational enablement."