Scientists Warn: Nye Bevan's grave-spinning may upset Earth's gravitational field.

As our Best Year Ever continues, the Department of Health today called for urgent measures in order to counter the destablising effects of the late former Secretary of State Aneurin 'Nye' Bevan's from-beyond-the-grave opposition to NHS change, modernisation and choice.

Through a spokes-medium, Mr Bevan stated "I hereby give notice that; in my capacity as former Secretary of State, I will continue to spin clockwise in my grave (at approximately 1500-2000rpm), as a form of political protest against the wholesale dumbing-down, breaking-up, downgrading, fucking-over and otherwise general buggering about of the National Health Service, until such a time as the incumbent Health Secretary resigns from her post. I believe said Health Secretary to be, in fact, an talentless, cretinous twatface, whose managerial style and political presentation lead me to believe that she is, in reality, nothing more than a actress from an itv drama in which she is playing the role of Health Secretary (badly). Or maybe even a Channel 5 drama - she really is rather fucking gash. Quite how this time/space/televisual mix up has occurred is not my concern. The Health Secretary must forthwith cease and desist from having any role in our Nation's health, and keep her incompetent, badly-joined-up thinking to herself. The citizens of this country (got that, citizens -not stakeholders?) demand that their National Insurance stamps be honoured from cradle to grave. No more "referral management centres". No more "Independent Sector Treatment Centres". No more quackery and certainly no more management consultancy. Any further control-freakery will be punished by my continued protest sending the British Isles onto a direct collision course with Iceland. Then we're all fucked. Got it? Twat."

Scientists at Greenwich Royal Observatory first highlighted the disastrous effects that Mr Bevan's grave-spinning protests against NHS reform were having when it was found that the Earth had begun to shift almost imperceptibly from its axis and towards the sun.

Since then, several other official voices have raised concerns regarding Mr Bevan's intransigent spinning-in-his-grave antics. Military chiefs acknowledged today that Bevan's rotatory protest was possibly to blame for the alleged failures in Royal Navy GPS systems that resulted in the apparent incursion of 15 UK military personnel into Iranian waters that has lead to an international standoff.

The Health Secretary called Mr Bevan's comments "unhelpful", and stated that there are more patients being treated by more NHS staff than ever. She continued "things are getting ever better, with staff morale at an all-time high and patients having more choice than ever".

At time of writing, Mr Bevan continued to spin in his grave.